An Unfamiliar Darkness
Dark night of the soul. Before my own journey into its depths, it was merely a phrase, an abstract concept. Only through lived experience, as I stumbled through its shadowy corridors, did I begin to grasp its profound meaning. It was during that period of intense introspection, a trial by fire of the spirit, that I sought to understand what was happening to me.
The Metamorphosis: A Powerful Analogy
While the image may be well-worn, the metamorphosis of a caterpillar into a butterfly remains the most apt depiction of this spiritual transformation. Envision the life of a caterpillar: from its first moments, it crawls upon plants, inching along the earth, its world confined to the immediate. Each passing day reinforces its identity as a caterpillar. It comes to define itself by its limitations. Yet, unbeknownst to the creature, its destiny is to take flight as a butterfly. As the transformative process begins, it must relinquish its very identity as a caterpillar. This is no simple task; it feels akin to death itself. In a very real sense, it *is* the death of the old self, the annihilation of a former identity.
The Torment of Letting Go: Embracing the Unknown
This experience can be profoundly tormenting, as you are forced to release all that you have ever known, all that has defined you. The cocoon stage symbolizes this period of intense dissolution. The caterpillar literally dissolves into a formless mush, its body breaking down and reassembling itself into something entirely new. I knew, with a certainty that resonated deep within my bones, that my life as I knew it was irrevocably over. I had dedicated over 25 years of my life to ministry, identifying as a pastor. It was all I knew, the very core of my being. To release it felt like a form of annihilation. Though there is an undeniable, internal knowing that you must undergo this process to reach the next season and dimension of your life, the torment is so intense that you must consciously choose to move forward as a brand new creation.
Death and Resurrection: A New Identity
This transformation finds a powerful parallel in the death and resurrection of Christ. You make a conscious decision to lay down your old life, to crucify the old identity – what the Bible refers to as the “old man.” This act of surrender creates the space, the permission, for the “new man” to emerge. This resurrected self bears little resemblance to the former identity. Consider the stark contrast between the caterpillar and the butterfly. As agonizing as the cocoon stage may be, the end result is undeniably worth it. The butterfly possesses capabilities that were utterly beyond the caterpillar’s reach, so much so that the caterpillar, in its limited mindset, would have deemed them impossible.
Beyond Limitations: The Call of Destiny
Imagine telling a caterpillar, still clinging to its earthly existence, that it will one day soar through the air, far above the plants it now crawls upon. It would likely dismiss you as utterly insane. Yet, that is precisely the nature of the transformation. The mind, conditioned by limitations from birth, becomes the ultimate barrier. It cannot conceive of possibilities beyond its ingrained programming. Yet, destiny beckons, calling you from the deepest recesses of your soul. A profound dissatisfaction with your current existence begins to take root. Nothing excites you anymore. A feeling of desperation, the insistent whisper that there must be something more than this, overwhelms you. It leads you, step by painstaking step, toward the cocoon.
The Tug-of-War Within: Surrendering to the “Knower”
Initially, you seek external solutions – guidance from friends, solace in churches, mentorship from leaders, enrollment in programs. But nothing satisfies. Nothing fills the void. All the while, an inner voice urges you to release your grip, to let it all go. The mind, however, pulls with equal force, initiating a torturous tug-of-war. “We are a caterpillar,” it argues, “this is what we have always been. Get a grip on yourself!” And so, we heed the voice within our heads, dismissing the inner nudges as madness. Yet, the pull from within only intensifies. No external force can ever truly work or satisfy during this stage. You must delve deep within, following the leadings of your inner “knower.” Though you may struggle to articulate it, you possess an unwavering certainty that something more exists, and the only solace you find is in turning inward.
I do a much better job explaining it in my course Why Am I Here? in case you are interested.
Gethsemane: The Agony of Choice
As you heed the whispers and follow the leadings of your “knower,” it guides you toward a pivotal decision point. In the Bible, this is symbolized by the Garden of Gethsemane, where Jesus, in the throes of intense agony, sweat drops of blood. This is the moment when you surrender to your fate, choosing to die to everything you thought you were. You lay down your life. No one can force you to do it. The other “caterpillars” may think you’ve lost your mind. Little do they know that you are finally *out* of your mind, liberated from its constraints, and precisely where you need to be.
Freedom from Limitation: A New Horizon
Releasing my old identity was far from easy. I now intimately understand the nature of the cocoon stage. But the first time you break free from that shell, leaving that old mindset behind, the only word that can truly capture the experience is “freedom.” Freedom from a limiting program. Freedom from the internal voice that constantly urges you to stay small, to accept the imposed rules, boundaries, and limitations. Freedom to think big, to venture beyond the confines of your programming.
A Badge of Courage: Honoring the Journey
To some, this may sound laughable, even absurd. But for those of you who have experienced the dark night of the soul, I commend your courage. I know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that you possess a strength that defies measure. I honor you! I thank you! You are brave and courageous!
Gratitude for the Cross: Embracing Transformation
I no longer recognize that caterpillar. I no longer identify with that creature. However, I am filled with gratitude for the process. I no longer view it through the lens of a victim. It was a necessary journey that I willingly embarked upon, and it has only made me stronger. I am who I am today because of it. I feel only gratitude for the cross I carried.
Coach Joe